There is a moment of clarity when you realize that what once brought joy, what once served you, is hollow. The illusion of connection, casual and on the surface, fun in the moment yet requiring so much self abnegation that once the fog lifts you are left asking yourself how did I end up on this road again. For me that answer is always longing - longing to belong, to fit in, to be seen and heard. My awareness is that the old paths that served the surface connection for me in the past now feel incomplete. There is fun and laughter and shared history, and no shortage of love, and yet there we remain, treading water on the surface, collectively terrified to let go of the constructs of self we have used for protection, and to surrender to the depth of our souls. Unwilling to lay bare our vulnerability, to say out loud I’m lonely, I’m scared, my heart hurts, and I just want you to see me in that vulnerability and meet me there with your own. I recognize the moment in the evening when that window cracks open, and there is an opportunity to step into a new conversation, to slip into the depths without a ripple. More often than not I watch the window slowly close, firmly enclosing us in the suffocating safety of the known. I recognize that the deep swim requires sobriety, clarity, and an unwavering commitment to be fully present. So the longing remains unmet, that dull ache in my heart persists, the beacon guiding me deeper and deeper into the stillness of my soul, and my faith unwavering that I will one day experience Connection with the one who will meet me there.
